Mixed Emotions

Now that I have started down this road I have already discovered it to be full of mixed emotions. First, I feel excited to be back thinking about another home birth. I feel the same excitement I felt when planning my first. But then, after the feelings of excitement wear off I feel worried, uneasy, distressed, and overwhelmed about the possible risks. I read on another woman's blog that she was not angry about her first c-section until she was pregnant with the subsequent baby. I feel the same way. I thought I had gotten over the feelings of anger from my first birth experience but now that I am pregnant again I realize how much is has affected my ability to make future decisions. I do feel cheated. Another thing I related to on this woman's blog was her feelings of being alone. I feel like, although my husband and sister are supportive, nobody understands my desire to have an empowering natural birth experience. My sister had 4 hospital births, 3 with pain meds, 1 without (but not by choice). And while I respect her decision to birth the way she wanted, she doesn't necessarily understand where I am coming from (although she is very supportive of my decision to have a HBAC, thanks sis). My husband, of course, is just concerned about my safety and the safety of our unborn child. He wants to be sure I am making a safe decision and not a selfish one. At first this seems hard to take from him, but at second glance it is nice to know I have someone willing to ask the tough questions and make sure my motives are pure (thanks babe). Other than those two people I don't really have anyone to lean on for support. I have chosen not to tell my parents of my decision, as I know they will not be supportive. Either way, without a current midwife or a friend that has had the same experience as me, I am forced to deal with my feelings alone, at least right now. Part of me wishes the birth was soon, but another part of me is glad I have time to process all this first.